When I started this blog I didn’t intend for it to become so ranty and woe is me, but I guess this week was just full of angst. I’ve found that the best, least destructive way for me to vent is to write it out, hence my various FUCKKKKKKK rants over the past few days. Maybe I’ll be able to write some more cheerful stuff next week, but this week is just destined to be all doom and gloom.
This morning it was just predetermined that I would have a bad day. It snowed like a mother fucker last night, which meant a ton of snow on the ground. As soon as I saw it, I just thought, “fuck. that’s going to take me at least 15 minuted to shovel.” I actually ranted about shoveling yesterday and, lo and behold, today I had to shovel.
After my “fuck I hate snow/shoveling/the cold” brain rant, I went to go catch the bus. I catch 2 buses in the morning. The first one was running late but, since it wasn’t more than 5 minutes late, I was alright with that. So I got off at my stop and went to wait for the next bus. Usually it gets there about 5ish minutes after I do. After half an hour, I was still waiting. In the freezing fucking cold. My toes were literally burning for about 20 minutes out of the half hour.
I was pissed! After waiting 30 minutes for the bus, which didn’t even show up, I decided fuck that, I’ll catch another bus. Then, I had to super power walk to school, since I was this close to being late.
Meanwhile, my friend got confessed to this morning. By confession, I mean some guy was all “ooh I like you go out with me” type of thing. Don’t get me wrong, I was totally stoked for my friend. She’s wanted a boy for a while now and just yesterday we were talking about the general lack of attractive males interested in us at our school. Luckily for her, this boy is cute and nice and all of that jazz. She’s super happy and I am happy for her.
But the lonely bitch in me is like, “excuse me! I’m single too! Where the fuck is my guy? I don’t deserve one, or something?” Horrible of me, hey? I’m not begrudging my friend her happiness, it’s just that I’m just the slightest bit jealous. Okay, maybe I’m more than just a little bit jealous, but I think I’m entitled to that. Deep down inside every girl wants a guy. Unless, of course, she’s lesbian.
Anyways, the shit really hit the fan for me in my Social Studies class. At the beginning of class, my teacher was like, “Kimiko, I have to talk to you before class ends.”
What’s the first thing that goes through any student’s mind when they hear that? FUCK. I had to squirm through class wondering what the fuck I did for her to want to talk to me personally.
Last week, we had to write a position paper, which was a giant pain in the ass. But, after writing it, I felt like I did a pretty good job. Actually, I thought I did really well. Turns out that, nope it was pretty much an enormous piece of shit. And that it what my teacher wanted to talk to me about. I didn’t fail or anything. She said that my mark on the paper would have been 60%ish, but that she wanted to give me the chance to rewrite it with a new thesis and arguments.
Apparently, my position was wrong. Excuse me? I thought the whole point of a position paper was to state your position and support it and that there’s no right or wrong answer. I thought the mark was based on how well you justified and supported your viewpoint. But, I guess not?
My teacher said that my position wasn’t morally justifiable and that it wasn’t acceptable. Who is she to decide what is morally justifiable or not? Not everyone has the same perspective on things. Hence, POSITION paper.
Anyways, now I have to rewrite the stupid thing during my spare. The only spare this week where I was free to do whatever I wanted instead of working, but my plans are now ruined due to the mofo position paper. I know that my teacher is doing me a favor letting me rewrite it and all. But now I have to write the paper using the thesis that she “suggested.” And she suggested it in a way that said, “This is the only acceptable position to take.” Well, sorry I have a different view than you do.
And am I the only one who finds this treatment unfair? What about all the other people in the class who didn’t have the right position? Or felt like they could write it better? I mean, I’m getting 2 chances at writing this paper. And I’ve already seen what she had to say about my writing already. And she pretty much told me what to write. Somehow that doesn’t seem fair to me. I’m such an ingrate, hey?
Then, after the position paper debacle, my friend decided to make fun of me with the guy that I kind of sort of had a crush on before. Assholes. I wasn’t really doing anything that warranted teasing, either. I was just talking, albeit rather animatedly, to my friend about this gross thing that I had to see earlier in the day and I could hear them laughing at me. Then, I happened to overhear the snippet of the conversation where the boy, who I liked a little, was say that was why he didn’t… like me, I assume since that’s all him and my guy friend would have to say about me. Talk about a slap to the face. Right after my teacher and position paper slapped me in the face. Ouch.
It kind of bothers me that my guy friend didn’t stand up for me or anything. We’ve been friends for a really long time and I thought that we were better friends than that. If we were in opposite positions, I would not be laughing behind his back with the girl, who he liked and who pretty much led him on while having a boyfriend the entire time. And I consider myself a mean person. But I wouldn’t do that to someone. Apparently, I don’t warrant the same treatment. Another slap to the face. And, after that, my guy friend made fun of me for having to rewrite my paper. SLAPPED AGAIN!
Then, I saw the boy, who I used to like, walking down the hall with his girlfriend. One more slap to the face. I am pretty sure I have an emotional bruise the size of Texas.
I was just frustrated, so I broke down and cried AGAIN! That’s the second day this week I’ve gone emotank and cried on the way home. The only difference is that today I broke down about 5 times, instead of just once. I think I made a new record for myself. I broke down at school, on the way home, once I got home, when my mom came to talk to me, and when I start preparing for the position paper again. Honestly, I didn’t think I had the capability to cry that much. Well, at least I learned something new today.
I also rediscovered the fact that I have some pretty awesome friends! (except, apparently, the guy friend.) Without them, I would probably be off in a dark corner someplace contemplating the best way to off myself. When/if I start to take them for granted, I should really think of today, where they let me rant and cry and were just there for me on my angst filled day. I love you, friends! ♥ Well, aren’t I cheesy?