Lately, I’ve really been thinking about what I want to do after high school. I’m so confused because there are so many different options out there. There’s university vs. college, staying at home vs. living in a dorm, and, my biggest issue, what courses to take. Then there’s the whole financial thing and scholarships… I just don’t know!
I feel like there’s a lot of pressure right now to pick something. Most of the university/college reps have said that the earlier you apply, the better your odds are of getting/saving yourself a spot. Before December is, apparently, the best time to apply. So I am having a bit of a freak out because I have like a week until then. The future is seriously coming way to fast for me!
Right now, I’m trying to decide what courses I want to take. I like Japanese, I’m good at history, and I kind of want to be a librarian. It’s really quite confusing. I think that, despite how much I love Japanese, it’ll be the option that I cross out first. I feel like there isn’t a lot that I would want to do with it. When I was younger I wanted to live in Japan, but now I have realized that I love being able to speak English and communicate easily with the people around me. So, I am leaning towards a degree in history right now. I feel like choosing a course is this huge, momentous event and that it’s irreversible, even though I know it’s not.
It’s just, what if I spend 4 years getting a degree and realize that isn’t what I want to do with my life? I don’t think I’d have the money to be able to support another 4 years at school getting another degree. I don’t want to waste my time and money on something that I’ll never use, you know? I feel like I’ll be trapped in a career in that field, even though I hate it, because that’s the only thing I’ll have the education for. It’s a lot of pressure.
Then I have to decide which school I want to attend. I am torn between attending the university in my hometown or attending the university in the next city over.
I want to get away from home and be able to experience new things. If I stay here, I feel like I won’t grow the way that I need to. I’ll still live at home and rely on my parents. I won’t bother making any new friends, because I’ve already got friends. I also feel like, if I attend school here, I’ll get a job here and I’ll never leave. I don’t want to get trapped in a rut and wonder why I stayed, when I could have left.
On the other hand, it’s comfortable living here. I already know where things are, I have friends and family, and I’m… safe for lack of a better term. I’m afraid to leave everything I’ve ever known behind. It’s big step. I’ve always been horrible at making new friends and finding my way around places and asking for help from people I don’t know. I’d have to do all of those things if I left. I’m also afraid that, if I leave, everyone here will forget about me. I also don’t want to not be around when things happen, like someone gets a new boyfriend or gets sick or needs advice. I want to be there with my friends, because we’ve always been there for each other. The thought of missing out makes me depressed and jealous of everyone there. If I had it my way, I’d relocate all of my friends with me. But that, unfortunately, isn’t a option.
I just wish I could know what the right choice is and what would be the best for me. This is my life I’m trying to plan for and that is oh, so intimidating. I don’t want to screw up and look back at my life and wonder “why didn’t I fucking get it right?”