Tag Archives: school

School’s out… forever?

So after 12 years of waiting for this to come, school is finally over. But the thing is that it doesn’t feel like it’s over. I feel like I’ll be right back in school in a couple of weeks and this is just a vacation. It’s surreal.

All this grad stuff – banquet, commencement, safegrad – took no time at all to get through… I always felt like grad would be this huge momentous thing in my life and it in a lot of ways it was. But it all went by so fast and it feels like I didn’t even really get to experience it all.

It’s sad that school is finally over. You spend so much time getting used to the schedule and making friends and then BAM it’s all over. There are so many people that I never got the chance to meet and so many people that I wanted to get to know better. School was the place to do all that stuff and now that it’s over, the opportunity is gone. /sigh

Such a bittersweet feeling.

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Awkward, awkward, awkward. Fail.

I’m not going to lie to you: I am an incredibly awkward person. Unless I know someone really well I am uncomfortable talking to them. Which means I clam up and just fail when it comes to talking to other people.

Today, I had a day chock full of awkward situations. It was ri-facking-diculous! I mean, come on, how cruel is life to make me have to go through all that?

First, this morning I had to spend 5-10 minutes talking to this guy, which probably doesn’t sound very awkward to you. But he asked me out earlier this year and I rejected him. And since then he’s asked me numerous times to just “hang out,” which I also rejected. He just doesn’t know how to give up, I swear.

Also, he had a friend with him. This friend also started talking to me and, like I said before, I suck at talking to new people. Then, when he was leaving, he offered me a hug. Uhm, I’ve never met you before… why in the world would I want a hug from you? Sure, he was cute but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s a stranger. So, instead, he ended up shaking my hand.

WHO MY AGE EVEN SHAKES HANDS? Seriously?!?!

After that, my friends started teasing me about the entire situation. Gahhhhhh! So embarrassing lah! The teasing went on all day too… Boo!

Then one of my teachers asked if I like to game, which yes I do but I don’t want to admit that in front of a bunch of people. I’m nerdy enough already without them knowing that! After , he started asking about my older brother, who he also taught, and I hate answering personal questions even if they aren’t about me. Awkward part 2.

So, there’s this guy who I kind of am interested in and he’s been sending some sketchy signals. On Friday, he he said I was “too gorgeous” and he gave me a hug and stuff. I know, it’s not like hugs are the world’s most seductive things, but I’m not a very touchy feely person so for me it was kind of strange. He’ll also say hi to me in the halls or touch me or tap me or whatever. Yesterday, he ran his fingers through my hair when he was walking by.(is this weird?)

I have to idea what to make of his actions, especially because we don’t talk often. Which means that I don’t really have the opportunity to find out whether he is just friending or what exactly he means. So today, I made the oh so intelligent plan to mooch around at my locker, which is by one of his classes, and talk to him before he left. Good plan, right?

But, just as he was walking by, a button fell off my friend’s coat, so he bent down to get it for her. Then, he ran off to catch up to his friends, which meant I missed my chance. FAIL!

I decided to just give up on that and firmly shunt him into the friend zone. But on my way out of school, I ended up walking behind him in the hall. Destiny, is that you?

Anyways, he was with his friend, so I had this inner debate about whether I should talk to him or not. I decided not to, since I’d just finished putting him in to the friend zone and I didn’t feel like butting into their conversation. But, lo and behold, he looked behind him and saw me, so he came to walk / talk with me. Aw. (every time I give up on a boy, he does something that reels me back in… I wrote about the phenomenon  here.)

I blush really easily, especially when I’m embarrassed (obviously) or I’m talking to someone I like. It’s horrible because my entire face goes all flush, which looks cute but makes me even more embarrassed.

I thought I wasn’t blushing very much, but some how he noticed. Then, he proceeded to tease me for blushing, which made me blush even more. Fail, part 2!

On my way home today, this creeper sat extremely close beside me on the bus. Awkward. Then he was leaning over and looking at my iPod to see what I was listening to. When he was looking, I switched the song to “Fuck You” and tilted the screen in his direction. Haha! After that he backed off a bit. Passive-aggressive for the win!

Then, I was going to get off the bus and he was asking me why I don’t talk very much and smiling at me. Ew. Go away, you creeper!

I guess I should have known that if my day started off awkward the rest of it would go the same way. And I was totally going to stay home today, but I felt like I shouldn’t miss any school… Hah, bad choice!

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Seeing someone you know one the internet: weird or not?

Earlier today, my friend sent me a link to a YouTube video. In the video was someone who goes to our school. Neither of us have ever talked to him or anything, but we do know him by face.

I was really shocked to find out that someone else at our school was on the internet. I know I shouldn’t be surprised, because it’s not like I’m the only person out there with a computer, camera, and way too much free time. But still, I was shocked.

Maybe it had something to do with the fact that his video was weird. Just plain weird. He was cross dressing, and dancing, and bouncing up and down on people, and kissing. It was just a whole lot of visual spam. Weird, freaky visual spam.

I found it strange that this kid, who seemed normal-ish in person, had this odd YouTube life going on. And now I’m thinking that it’s weird that I have this secretive internet life going on too. Although, I’m not cross dressing or videotaping myself in the shower or anything like that.

It’s just strange to see someone who you know on the internet. In my head, I guess being on the internet equals some degree of fame. Which isn’t true at all, but there it is.

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What do I want to do after high school?!

Lately, I’ve really been thinking about what I want to do after high school. I’m so confused because there are so many different options out there. There’s university vs. college, staying at home vs. living in a dorm, and, my biggest issue, what courses to take. Then there’s the whole financial thing and scholarships…  I just don’t know!

I feel like there’s a lot of pressure right now to pick something. Most of the university/college reps have said that the earlier you apply, the better your odds are of getting/saving yourself a spot. Before December is, apparently, the best time to apply. So I am having a bit of a freak out because I have like a week until then. The future is seriously coming way to fast for me!

Right now, I’m trying to decide what courses I want to take. I like Japanese, I’m good at history, and I kind of want to be a librarian. It’s really quite confusing. I think that, despite how much I love Japanese, it’ll be the option that I cross out first. I feel like there isn’t a lot that I would want to do with it. When I was younger I wanted to live in Japan, but now I have realized that I love being able to speak English and communicate easily with the people around me. So, I am leaning towards a degree in history right now. I feel like choosing  a course is this huge, momentous event and that it’s irreversible, even though I know it’s not.

It’s just, what if I spend 4 years getting a degree and realize that isn’t what I want to do with my life? I don’t think I’d have the money to be able to support another 4 years at school getting another degree. I don’t want to waste my time and money on something that I’ll never use, you know? I feel like I’ll be trapped in a career in that field, even though I hate it, because that’s the only thing I’ll have the education for. It’s a lot of pressure.

Then I have to decide which school I want to attend. I am torn between attending the university in my hometown or attending the university in the next city over.

I want to get away from home and be able to experience new things. If I stay here, I feel like I won’t grow the way that I need to. I’ll still live at home and rely on my parents. I won’t bother making any new friends, because I’ve already got friends. I also feel like, if I attend school here, I’ll get a job here and I’ll never leave. I don’t want to get trapped in a rut and wonder why I stayed, when I could have left.

On the other hand, it’s comfortable living here. I already know where things are, I have friends and family, and I’m… safe for lack of a better term. I’m afraid to leave everything I’ve ever known behind. It’s big step. I’ve always been horrible at making new friends and finding my way around places and asking for help from people I don’t know. I’d have to do all of those things if I left.  I’m also afraid that, if I leave, everyone here will forget about me. I also don’t want to not be around when things happen, like someone gets a new boyfriend or gets sick or needs advice. I want to be there with my friends, because we’ve always been there for each other. The thought of missing out makes me depressed and jealous of everyone there. If I had it my way, I’d relocate all of my friends with me. But that, unfortunately, isn’t a option.

I just wish I could know what the right choice is and what would be the best for me. This is my life I’m trying to plan for and that is oh, so intimidating. I don’t want to screw up and look back at my life and wonder “why didn’t I fucking get it right?”

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What a shit day.

Do you ever have days where you honestly don’t give a fuck? And everything is just going horribly and you’re frustrated and this close to having a mental breakdown?

Well, that was my day today. Things just kept piling up on each other and I was getting more and more frustrated and upset. All day long I was kind of fighting not to burst into tears in a public place. I did tear up a little on the bus and, finally, when I was walking home, I just had a breakdown. Life was just being a bitch to me today.

First of all, I didn’t get a whole lot of sleep last night and I ended up waking up an hour before my alarm goes off and I couldn’t fall back asleep. Whenever I’m low on sleep, I turn into a big, fat emotional bomb that anything can set off. Then, some person was criticizing my doodles. What the fuck? It’s a doodle, you asshole. I hate criticism. Who are you to tell me how to do something? Fack.

Then, in class I had to do this group assignment, which made no sense to me at all. We had no idea what we was supposed to be doing, so we asked a teacher to explain. But it was a substitute teacher, so they were no help at all. And, to make things worse, he babbled on for at least 10 minutes. I didn’t need the history lesson, thanks. At this point, I was just so frustrated at everything.

While I was one the bus, all this shit just kept running around in my head and I had this huge battle not to cry. I’m not going to lie a few tears did slip out, but I don’t think anyone noticed. While I was walking the few blocks homes, it was freezing out and I guess that was just the last straw, because I just had a meltdown in the middle of an alley. And you thought weird people with knives were the only scary thing lurking in your alley… Ahaha.

When I got home, I ended up getting in a fight with my mom, too. I’ve been asking to get my license for a while (over a year) and she has a million and four reasons why I can’t get it. “Your step-dad needs to be home, since the vehicle is registered under him.” “We have no money.” “We’re busy all of this weekend.” etc. etc. So today I decided to take some initiative, since it started snowing out and I am not down for busing around in -30 weather. Fuck that. I called a few registries to ask some questions and it turns out that no, my step dad doesn’t need to be there and I have enough money to pay for my own test. I told her that and she said, “I’m not comfortable with it.”

What the fuck is thereto be uncomfortable about? I’m the one taking the test, and paying, and skipping a morning of school. All she has to do is sit in the car while I drive to the registry, and then sit in there for about 45 minutes. God it makes me angry just thinking about it. Then she said, “What’s the hurry? You aren’t going to be allowed to drive any of our cars.” When my older brother got his license, he was bought a truck. How about she treats me the same way? It’s so unfair that boys get everything and girls have to beg to get what they want. Weren’t we supposed to be striving for more equality between men and women? Because it seems like girls are still getting the short end of the stick.

What a giant shit hole of a day.

To console myself, I’m going to make a ridiculously unhealthy supper, eat a tonne of popsicles, and watch Glee. If anyone bothers me… I am going to pull a Chris Brown on their ass.

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